Intro:

         During 5th grade, I was a somewhat, dare I say, successful owner of a side hustle at school. And while it may not have been the most legal business, I didn’t think anyone would’ve minded a 10-year-old making some extra cash to buy herself more candy. However, the only exception to this was, unfortunately, my parents. When they found out, they took all the money I had made and only gave a twenty back, lecturing me that it was selfish of me to have wanted all of it.

And this was just the start of it.

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         From academics to food, somehow, I was labeled the most selfish person in the world, simply because I was hesitant to give. And as time went on, I couldn’t help but wonder to myself: what is selfishness in the first place? According to the American Psychological Association, selfishness is the “Tendency to act excessively or solely in a manner that benefits oneself, even if others are disadvantaged” (APA 2018). At its core, selfishness is an unwanted trait within human behavior. However, the bounds of what can be considered selfish have been so utterly twisted by society that basic boundaries and self-consideration have been equally deemed “selfish.” And should society continue with this stigmatization of selfishness, it will only feed into a cycle of shame.

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Environment:

         If we must discuss selfishness, then we must begin with the when and why people have been called selfish.

 

         In The National Library of Medicine, a study regarding psychological selfishness  explained in simple terms, that people act selfishly when the situation calls for it, even if it prevails the “social expectations for the situation.” (NLM 2022). The original perception of selfishness was built by one’s own feelings of being wronged by someone else who acted upon their own self-interest. Of course, such behavior should be shamed when the situation calls for cooperation and mindfulness for others, however, the situations where most are often called selfish do not require this consideration. Instead, the problem lies in the fact that calling someone else selfish has become a way to shame and ridicule them, regardless of whether it is true.

 

Human Nature:

         But even with disregard for the situation, we cannot ignore the fact that selfishness is simply an inherent trait. Philosopher Adam Smith explains that, by nature, every person is better at taking care of themselves than anyone else. (Princeton Press 2021). So, while showing regard for others is necessary for a functioning society, we mustn’t forget that humans will always, instinctively, put themselves first.

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         And it’s important that I reiterate this: this instinct isn’t something to be ashamed of. However, unrealistic expectations for people to act on the majorities’ best interest has caused many to feel as though putting themselves first was considered blasphemous. As a result, we fear this instinct. We fear that our attempts to preserve ourselves are only a nuisance and that we are nothing but “selfish” for putting ourselves first.

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Effects on Women:

         And unfortunately, the biggest target of these “selfish” titles make up 49% of the population: women. The patriarchy is no doubt still prevalent within society and misogyny hasn’t “mellowed out”, it has simply become sneakier, quieter, and through snide remarks rather than blatant comments. Look nowhere better to use as an example than when the topic of women having children is brought up.

         

         The idea of being a “childfree woman” has been so deeply frowned upon by society that simply carrying this title names these women as selfish. But in fact, The National Center of Health Statistics presents that there has only been a 3% decrease in general fertility in the United States since 2022. So when you consider the fact that these childfree women are a minority, it becomes less of a population issue and more of a societal one. As said best by Peggy Heffington, an assistant instructional professor at UChicago, “women have been actively controlling their fertility for a very, very long time,” and it’s not some modern phenomenon (Heffington 2024).

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         Personally, I have absolutely no plans to have children, but I am one of the lucky few who has a say to my own body. For many women, they are repeatedly told to consider society’s plans for them first and their own will for themselves second. Heffington explains that for many, “a woman not having children is sort of an offense or a violation of her civic duty” (Heffington 2024). This harmful rhetoric is what has pushed women to have children, even if they had no desire to. Should we keep accusing these women of being “selfish”, we’ll only create unprepared mothers and continue a generational cycle of shame and self-hatred.

 

Mental health:

         Another notable target demographic of these “selfish” labeling are people who struggle with mental health. Those suffering from depression are often told by others that suicide and self-harm should never be an option. And while that is true, the persistent rhetoric that these actions of self-harm are nothing but “selfish acts done without the consideration of others,” rather than actions made from a time of instability, does nothing to sway the mentally unwell from them. The Alliance of Hope Organization affirms this, stressing that, “when a person is battling with their demons and feeling hopeless, their thinking is often significantly distorted” and they often end up thinking about “how others will not really miss them once they’re gone” (Alliance of Hope Organization 2024). Instead of reassurance, calling these acts selfish only causes more guilt and shame to grow.

 

Solutions:

         While it’s hard to avoid this degrading title, there are still ways we can change that. When my title as the “selfish child” within my family first extended beyond just a couple bucks I made in elementary school, I thought that prioritizing myself was only a burden to others. However, the active minds organization says otherwise, stating that “to invest in our communities and incite change, we must first fill our own cup.” By fearing that every action we take may be “selfish” we set unnecessary limits. So slowly, I realized that my decision to put myself first wasn’t going to kill my parents, even if they act like it will. 

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         We need to stop burying our own emotions under the need for approval because all of us, whether we like it or not, are a little bit selfish. So, be proud of your decision to not have kids, and maybe have the money that you’ve saved from not having kids go towards charities. Be proud in establishing your own boundaries for you can now build stronger trust in your relationships. This stronger bond will go on to create a stronger sense of community, and what is society if not a bundle of diverse communities united. After all, care for society begins with the care of ourselves, and if being a little selfish is what’s necessary, then so be it.

 

Conclusion:

         Now I’m not suggesting that we should just completely disregard everyone else’s feelings, but I’m simply imploring you to be just a tad kinder to yourselves. After all, it isn’t a sin to put yourself first.